My mother died 3 weeks ago and I still feel the shock, longing, and sadness when I think about her. She was an epitome of a house mother who generally kept the house spic and span with an occasional nagging when she was upset over trivial matters.
I know that it is pretty generic that every time we lose someone important in our lives, it is already too late to realize the value of his/her presence. I thought about it when my mother became sickly. Yet I delayed on giving her hugs and showing my appreciation of her existence. I even nagged her for not listening to me. I was so concentrated on taking care of my father that I have neglected my mother. I have rejected her many times and was not keen on the gravity of her illness. I ignored her complaints about how she was suffering. Because I heard that word all the time from her. For me, it had no special meaning. Now I was repenting.
Every day when I give my father a bath, I silently cried. My mother deserved this kind of treatment from me. She was too proud to tell me that she can no longer give herself a bath and she might have thought that she would be an additional burden to me. It breaks my heart. She deserved it more that my father deserves a kingly treatment. She served our family and took care of us when my father stopped providing for us when I was in high school. My mother had flaws. I only saw those flaws when she was alive. I was too proud to acknowledge her because my parents were also the same. They do not say their approval, only their disapproval. Perhaps because we stayed together for so long that we had this kind of love-hate relationship. Yet, I do not hate my mother but only those acts that irritated me.
And now that she was gone, I silently suffer. I missed her the most because our house will never be the same without her. I do not have someone to deflect and criticize anymore. What angers me the most was no one was not around when she passed away. She died alone in the hospital. It was cruel of my siblings to bring her far from home that I cannot run to her immediately when she needed me. They left her there and she died of heart attack after her second day of dialysis sessions. I know that they probably mean well, but it was not right to leave her alone.
I loved my mother more than she ever knew. I wanted her to be always comfortable. I was happy just being in the background. I stayed with my parents because it was my choice to be around with them when they grow old. But I thought I was too reserved to say what I felt. And now it is too late. Even if I cried every night, she will not know how I cherished her anymore.
My mother deserved my hugs. I pray that God will take care of her soul and tell my mother what I have not told her when she was alive. I pray that God will hold her hands and give her hugs because she deserves them.
As I write this article, it suddenly rains hard just like how my tears are falling. I think God was giving me a sign that He is listening to my prayers. To God be the glory! He gives me comfort in times like these.
And this was why I felt like writing again.
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